Saia's story

The Bust

2011-10-18T19:28:00.001-06:00

Ok. you guys are going to LOVE this one for sure. So, about a month ago, I was on my way home form an errand when I get stopped by a Brother, mid fortties, nice lookin, he says. "Hi, how are you ? where are you from ...." so we start talking. My train arrives and he says, dont go, hang out with me awhile. I said sure, I dont have any plans. We talked, he told me he likes what he sees, and hes interested. wechnage numbers, but I didnt save his on accident, so he only hade mine. He waityed two week and when he didnt hear from me, he called, at 8:45 pm as I was on my way to meet freinds. " I miss you, (blah blah blah) can I see you tonight? " I told him he should meet up with me, and he shows up we grab a seat.

I beging to txt a friend that Id be delayed when he mentions he thinks he should have my UNDIVIDED attention.

Wait for it.

I explain the situation, told him I already had plans, (as I mentioned when he called) and I wasnt trying to be rude. He went on about how hes different than other men, I seem to be to busy for him.... blah blah blah.

Then an aquantaince of his walks up tp the table and greets him, and they start a convo about a job offer and such. Wait for it....

Then the aquantance asks my "date" HOW HIS WIFE WAS.

So, needless to say he left knowing it wasnt going anyhwere now, not be for he aske me "Why are you annimated right now? "
Effen Realy?.. Just ....wow.

What? me Single?

2011-10-18T19:25:00.001-06:00

Hi there!, second time poster here and have blogged for about 5 years now about my experiences in the dating world on another site, as inspired by the book, "1001 nights without sex, The curse of the Singles table."
Sounds REDONKULOUS right? Who would wait three years?
Well, I would. I made the decision years ago that I would not have sex outside a committed relationship, and theses days commitment is like an infectious disease. The other part of this comes from the hordes of people I see misstreating one another that has left me baffled.
Blogging has led to some pretty tough questions and I would like public insight.
I'm left wondering, are men and women even capable of being friends? let alone in a monogamous relationship?
Even "successful relationships " seem to be lacking and fall short of true connection when 50% of marriages fail.
Now men really get a bad rap. Egotistical, sexist, one track minded. And women? Shallow, materialistic and manipulative.
So why do people still suffer from these major character flaws?
I have my theories and case evidence but Im looking for serious imput here.
I used to be of the mind set that men chose women primarily based on looks and while there is alot of truth to that, I feel there is another more motivating factor at work. Morality.
I say that because of the wide spread consensus that moral (or religious) people are largely uninterested in sex, which isnt true. So the question is, are emotionaly sensitive, evolved people in short supply in compared to their counterparts, the Neanderthal and Skank?
Now Im sure a good look at contributing factors will reveal a number of issues, however I feel this most prominant. Slow adaptability has left things in strained state and things changed when women went from being housewives to corporate radiers to plain ole SuperMom.
A reflection of womens' rolls changing and how a mans roll hasnt veered much from that of provider/protector may yeild insight.
I had a conversation with a co worker I was interested in which I told him most of the men I ask out are usualy in relationships, so it doesnt go anywhere.
He says " Why dont you try being the other woman, if you havent had the experience before. (Which I havent.) Take a risk. I mean how long are you willing to wait?"
I was disapointed beyond belief. I told him there are risk, and then there's right and wrong.
So according to him, my choices are cheat or go without? Something is missing. Or is there such a thing as having moral standards that are to high?

Horseshoes and Hand grenades

2011-07-26T16:39:00.000-06:00

Ok guys ... grab a soda and some popcorn ... here goes. Deep breath....
So... Last month Im waaay up north and Im waiting for public transit and I happen to notice some one at a distance. He kept looking. I kept looking... seems one of us was going to speak. Well I did first, we chatted then he gave me his number and called that night. To make a short story long, we spoke for close to 5 hours over two nights and made plans to hang out.
Waaaaait for it ......
So, its the day of, Im on the phone leaving work, and he tells me 'Im on my way'.
I get where we were supose to meet up. I was closer so I ended up waited for him for an hour and 1/2. I called. No answer. I txtd and asked hime if he could let me know if he was gonna show or not and a half an hour later he said he was going to bail. Literaly.
Waaait for it ......
Then he called me up and spent two hours trying to convience me he didnt make it because he had a migraine and saw some thing not to great about my aura.
Wow.
Then, a few days ago, I got a FB from some one I was supposed to go out with for the fourth of July, 2008. He cancelled becausde he met some one else. We kept in touch on FB for awhile then he deleted me, and recently added me again after I told him to quit teasing me after a conversation that got started about massage because he messaged me out of the blue. And well, he got flirtatious so I thought Id see where it went... he said he wanted to see me today.
Waaaaait for it.......
Then messaged yesterday to say his schedule had changed and wouldnt make it.
Wow. Just wow right?

Paydirt

2011-05-25T19:20:00.005-06:00

Ok guys... Once gain I know its been awhile, been trying to focus on my real life and improving upon a good thing.... How ever there is news on the dating front...
I ran into some one I initialy met like almost three years ago, Dark, smart, narrow and obnoxious... But very funny, and always says he liked me. Ran into him riding the train then again at a bus stop, and we went out to eat at California Pizza Kitchen..We sat down, ordered and then talked for a bit and all the way there he told everyone in earshot that he wanted me to be his GF.... sang Happy Birthday to a lady in the resturant, was selling CDs all the way up to resturant, stepped outside and had security make sure he was not allowed back inside due to pan handeling the afore mentioned CDs, so I finished my pizza alone...
* le sigh .

Clairity

2011-03-29T16:54:00.002-06:00

Hi every one, its been quiet lately so as usual, Ive been thinking...
I have recenctly seen Tron Legacy and Limitless, films that forrrayed into the mind, and self image. With this blog I have explored my experiences in order to better understand the nature behind things I felt held me back and one thing that rang true is that fact that I need to take better care of my self.
Now I know this shouldnt be spme sort of revelation, but for me, it was more of a struggle than I realized because of wanting to adhere to my personal values and the misconception that if I were to chase my dreams I would turn into someone I didnt want to be because of my overwhelming need to change.
One thing became clear and that is the amount of work still ahead of me to finaly ge past years of emotional neglect, anger, frustrations and pain so that I can simply breathe.
The stagnat air I had been breathing and to say nothing of the true dept of secrets I hid form my self that kept me from aceptpting change in the first place, the distance between my head and heat immesurable but a disatnce that must be closed.
Simply, every thing I knew was wrong.
Looking for a real commitment began to feel like looking for life on Mars. Somewhere was the answer to why i wasnt ready, but to my surprise, it was so intricately woven into the fabric of my life, my basic idenity that unraveling it meant, changing everything.
*sigh
Im up for it.

*The truth about dating

2011-02-22T16:55:00.002-07:00

Hi there .... Welll it hapened again, Valentine's day came and went. No Fancy dinner. No flowers or chocolate, just aceptance, and a chance to evaluate things again. As usual.
You see, I have been doing ALOT of reading lately and have come across some great stuff. The latest wisdom from Dan Millman and a woman who wrote a book called The truth about dating and oddly enough, she mentioned the book 1001 and one nights....
The I revisited some works that had been truly inspiring from The Secret to The Truth about water. I have been able to understnd that while my mind seeks to shift focus my heart was still trying to understand. i have to remind my self that this was never susposed to be easy ..... So as usual I carry on being glad that I am still learning and that I dont feel the need to change who I am, just to improve....

and 11

2011-01-26T19:30:00.002-07:00

Well folks it came it went and Im still here. Its been quiet, however I am still in the trenches and havent given up. Ive spent a bit more time online these days and have had a chance to see how truly EPIDEMIC the dating world has become. With time on my hands Ive taken to doing what Im good at. Thinking. And I came up with some questions and basicaly I have alot of work ahead of me, because its boiled down to the same things, but my heart took a while to catch up to what I already know. Nothing like second guessing yourself to slow you down. But at the same time, Im still glad Ive avoided alot of BS. Making the neccesary changes had almost become a moral delima so I had to be certain it was worth it. I understand myself better now. And guess what? I think I made a friend.
About a month ago I got a add spot form a personal trainer in the area from Myspace, so I called. I was amazed when we met, fine as he can be, and we talked for three hours!
So I will begin this journey of real personal transformation on the outside as my health is a big priority. Im excited ; )

P!nk - Stupid Girls

2010-11-20T18:24:00.000-07:00

Eureka!

2010-11-16T16:22:00.011-07:00

Okn... You are never going to belive this... one of the contenders from a previous post had de friended me on FB, so I asked why. And he gave me an honest answer, which I havent decided if Im gonna post!... Temptation. Realy? We cant even be VIRTUAL friends, cuz you dont think you can keep it in your pants? Wow.. all this time I thought he just wanted me to get lost... He informed me that his intened cheated and well he's been repressed for awhile. The message was pretty explicit actualy, Whe we met, be brought me out of sucha bad place, and then when he finlay mentioned that he had a girlfirend and thats why we never went out again. So its not like he's not willing to put forth the effort, the timing was wrong, and its like the same situation all over again. The difference? He was honest instead of just avoiding me. Saves ALOT of trouble ya know? I mean, hes so much of what I have been looking for but when we met almost three years ago, he made another choice. I think that it would be prudent instead getting my hopes to high, and I didnt want to miss out on a good thing.*sigh
Sincerely Shea
http://saiasstory.blogspot.com/2005/03/contenders.html

Dear men of Earth

2010-11-09T14:06:00.012-07:00

Ok. I get ... Took me awhile. but I get it. Spent YEARS, trying to convince myself it wasnt me, the trouble was my heart didnt believe it. So then I got real. It is simply not my fault that you are to lazy to work for a relationship or just genuine compassion with all that promiscuous sex running around right? its like eating sunflower seeds. There are some that come unshelled right? So why get the ones in the shell, to much work involved. I could stay angry or blame my self, and really men and women are both accountable . I cant possibly see a modern man willing to risk getting real when he can just get laid. I tried really hard not to see this but, the more I realized that people will lie instead of opening their hearts, it wasnt to hard.
If I believed the hype, I would have to believe that somehow Im not worth it. That a woman who would cheat or sleep with anyone she wanted to just because she wanted to has more value than me, and you chose her CONSISTENTLY, then you become jaded and unwilling to do the work. well, I didnt give up, so what makes you think you get to?
I had a conversation with a man in which I told him the men Im interested in always have or wind up with girlfriends when I mentioned Im interested. You know what he told me?
"Maybe you should be the other woman, to have that experience, if you never have before, (which I havent) otherwise how long are you going to wait?.... take a risk. " Spoken like a true animal. I had to remind him that there are risk and then there is right and wrong.
I say that because animals are the only creatures who engage in procreation without conscience. Sleeping with someone with out even knowing a name ? widely practiced and Im thru feeling guilty because I have morals. I wont treat someone like a piece of plastic because they are to lazy to engage in HUMAN sexuality. Love evolved just like the rest of us people lets not forget.

Brandon Boyd - Last Night A Passenger

2010-11-03T19:10:00.000-06:00

My rant to the Mutiverse by way of Brad Warner

2010-10-29T16:41:00.005-06:00

The interview with Nina Hartley was excellent . I couldnt put the book down!
I am SO glad I had the chance to read it. The thoughts inside helped me greatly with my decisions.
The other interview in which you talk about Zazen was helpful as well.
I mention in my first email my years of celibacy and that I was considering the Porn industry,( or monkhood. I began to think I was being called) and now I feel like I know working in the sex industry would be the wrong thing to do. It wouldnt be for the money, it would be for the sex. I simply saw the industry as a way to have a sex life that suited me.
You see, as I grow older the likelyhood for a normal life grows smaller and smaller. Raising a family and leading a conventional life has NEVER been a strong possibility for me but I held out, and your book helped me out alot with that recently.
I live a reserved life, but lets face it, this is something Ive thought about for a long time, and I felt I could bring something positive to the industry.
But with a little insight I began to understand that in order for me to make the choice I was facing, I would have to be ready to give up on a loving monogamous relationship, and I dont want to do that.
I certainly understand love as a by product of the human experience, but you cant deny people have had experience that go beyond that.
Each of us can truly decide who we want to give our love to, however there's something that happens at the right place and time that lets you know its special, and is different than general compassion and we put it in a place each of us has reserved especially for that experience. Because sex can be just that or it can envelop all of you .
Growing up, I wanted to do the right thing. So I waited. And waited.
And waited. And then reality set in. So many women saw that they could usurp power by giving him his wildest fantasies and letting him walk away from reality.
In our history, every single privilege we have has been fought for. To see your life as a parent as the very basis of survival and civilization, Man, woman and child. Everything important to us as individuals and as a society plays out in that relationship. You see this as an example of right living.
Outside of that, there is a path that leads to others ways of experiencing other roles in life and I fought it for a along time, as that other path is often met with resistance, even within ourselves.
Morally I could squeak by because lets face it, many of us have been in love more than once. We learn to love. So knowing I could choose and simply be willing to learn to love that person isnt what its cracked up to be. Its alot like being a present under a tree. " OOh! pick me! You're gonna love it! Im what you REALY want!!"
And Im still waiting.
When you unwrap a gift, surprise, happiness and generosity are key, otherwise its sits on a shelf in a store with others of its kind and the choice is made out of convenience.
" What store is closest? What brand is cheapest? "
Just grab it and throw it in the cart. That doesnt work when you're waiting for " The One " to open you up.
All of those pretty shiny add campaigns walking around, trust me those ladies are in SERIOUS business, and Im not mad at em, but it certainly doesnt make it any easier for me.
Me, A 36 year old abuse survior,raised Southern Baptist, celibate for over a decade. At some point it all adds up.
Its nerve wracking really.
Its interesting to think that the rarity of a thing increases its value. Jewels wouldnt be worth what they are today if they grew in trees like grapes. So what does a person do to increase their value?
There's something about each of us that sets us apart, but we are too busy with false messages of value to see what inside. Even those who think they got it right wind up losing sight of the person they fell in love with. They are looking elsewhere, chances are searching for some part of themselves that makes up for whats missing.
I once wrote, " The look of love has two gazes. The soul piercing stare that ask " 'are you The One?' or the cold glance that says 'Im not looking, Ive found them. "
My gaze Im sure comes from years of an inward journey to find the pieces of me that my humble beginnings left behind.
When you started talking about Zazen, so much of my life became understood. Ive spent enough time in poses to know that this is a very effective process, but its presence in my life didnt happen after I discovered Yoga, but the first time I
blocked out my past. I cannot count the hours Ive spent....... just sitting. (Albeit not sitting and "Thinking the thought of non- thinking" )
The need to do this is extremely strong in my life, even today, and the connection to Yoga, meditation and Buddhism prevalent.
Alot of it stems from wanting to better understand Yoga and getting closer to Hinduism, and as you could guess the interpretations were innumerable and as a more blanket approach, I began to look into Buddhism.
And I learned that there was a deep universal understanding that was largely
( in my opinion ) scientific, and now you're talking a Capricorn's language!
In all our endeavors there is still that one question as to the true source and I believe faith is required to answer it. And the beauty of it is the understanding both within and without.
Personally I began to look at religion differently when I realized those closest to me punished me because of what happened in my past, and instead of dealing with it treated me like I was a drug addicted homosexual prostitute and a thief. (even tho only the latter became true AFTER I left home).
After reviewing my knowledge of the bible, I got tired of being blamed for societal ills because I am simply a woman. I saw Christianity completely differently.
And all that to say I am grateful for you book as it helped me put that into perspective and for me, that's a huge deal!
DEFINATELY looking forward to catching up and reading your next book!
* Shea

Overload in the key of Aum

2010-07-16T12:17:00.005-06:00

Ok... Ive had it. Im SO tired of feeling like a freak. So Im on a mission. I used to think it was me. Too this. Not enough that. The truth is I dont need or want to be manipulated. I will make you work and think, and most men want to be lazy. Im honest and expect the same. I just never thought it was to much to ask. I recently read a book the realy helped me put things into perspective.
I live a very different life and it has not been easy to fit into conventional living although I give it the ole college try. I had to realize that it would be a complete lie to think I was undeserving of what so many people in my opinion take for granted. Im not to blame if someone doesnt have the capacity to be honest and passionate. I had alot of obstacles to overcome and was set apart as an indidual for overcomming them. People are living a lie and I had to wonder why I wasnt an ideal mate for poeple who couldnt see the truth. I meet a young man earlier in the year and even tho a relationship didnt develop, the results were prety postive. Men simply find it hard to be friends first dont want to work at relationships because to many women make it to easy to focus on just sex. Again, not my fault.
The blog is going to take a sightly more dogmatic aproach on these issues and I am at a point in my life where making changes is crutial.
Stay tuned.

Sincerely Shea

Spring fever

2010-04-19T14:30:00.003-06:00

Ok, so there is alot on the plate right now, lots of new directions opening up, this spring has been AMAZING!!!! Up untill the las couple of months, things were quiet, ans the sceen at the hot spot has changed alot! I cama across a rare find, A handsome young taurus that i find my self thinking about alot. I also ran into an old aquaintance that said he had a thing for me for a long time, who just wound up being a waste of effort. So it felt like a set backfor a while, and as usual, I got to thinking. All this time I thought it was my apearnce that took me out of the love game but then I realized its not that at all. Its my entire system of values, and he takes one look and knows Im too good for him, because he knows he'd do me wrong any way. I am inspired, a little tired but all in all excited to meet the man I've always wanted.
I just have to remember to stop forgetting myself, and I'll be just fine. = )

recovery room

2009-10-27T17:05:00.004-06:00

So...Everyones favorite couple is scoring face time... and some one is going for the jugular, and me recouping after a two week bender starting at Hooters and ending in a poker game...speak softly... The last month has been a series of evenings played out from the backside of a tequila bottle... So the juice is our bride to be has keep the ring off and now there is talk of a trp, (with out the fianc'ee, Besties Cecile and Amber are more revealing every day. My infactuation with a certain blonde biker is exstinct. and the new blood has been rockin steady for a month. Ive had alot of fun,,,,

Paridise found

2009-09-11T20:30:00.004-06:00

Yes its been forever... I can hardly keep up my self so dont feel bad. You are going to love this... Cecile is moving into my building... tonight, and our soon to be blushing bride took of the engagement ring, they havent been to the bar in months, Im scoring ALL the face time with the cutest bad boy ever, and hunting a wayward man!!!! so um, yeah, things are WAY different than when I first started!!!!! I havent missed a thursday save 1 since I started going out, and its been cool. I got the low down finaly and my other friends have been able to join me too. Its been alot of fun and In Inspired to stay at the top of my game. The real conundrum, could I ever step up to the plate if my friend becomes a runaway bride....?
stay tuned!!!

bootcamp.

2009-06-12T03:06:00.002-06:00

A flirtatious redhead and an enlisting boyfriend. Stay tuned!

Update

2009-05-11T18:02:00.003-06:00

Ok .... here goes ( in hailing deeply)...
Well I have been back to the beach club twice. Amber was the only one sceen or hear from yet.
I met a couple that now engaged, a bouncer and the most adorable I have ever met.
And to make things good.... I finaly got a hold of the one that asked me to church, and tried for Easter sunday, you know the fitness trainer. Yeah.
The first thing I noticed is that he sounded realy glad to hear from me. I told him I hadnt programmed his number in my phone, and he said he didnt get mine cause its blocked. Im holding out untill we actualy get the chance to meet up. Its seems as thought things are on an upward swing and i have had alot of fun. So far so good. I am trying not to go over board!
Ill definatlely keep you posted!

OMG SRLSY!!!!!!!

2009-04-24T17:12:00.009-06:00

Well, its been a while true enough but all has not been quiet on the dating front, the last endeavor still panning out... (an invitation to church and a cutie that was fresh from the joint) , I must admit I've grown a bit restless. So I went out last night. Yup, you read me right. The "Bookish" introvet thats very cute but shy went to a bar.
I discovered the bar last week on ladie's night and wound up chatting with the doorman ( very cute) ... after a few laughs I escaped the glares from his prtetty blonde co worker working cover for guys , trying to be cute speaking Ebonics to me ....
Holly Shit.
Only mildly appaled (WET Tshirt contest .... knowing that this would happen, the reason I stay out of bars on most occasioins)
I had a GREAT time!!!!!!
I showed up early, modestly dress. And meet four interesting people: *Amber, *Cecile, *Mindy and *Camreon.
I was spotted sitting alone and was inroduced to the three ladies (all Bi FYI) ... we chat and in walks Cameron who apears to be trying to hook with Cicile, spent the whole night talking to ME and he was the hottest guy there hands down.( And Tattoo'ed. I was the only one that saw it! ;P) He wound up all over Amber at the end of the night, but thats ok because his intentions were clear. Mindy went MIA after about 45 minutes.
OMG this shit was better than a soap!!!!!
Zero expectations... and before I know it Cameron hadnt left my side for most of the night!!!!!
He states .... " Im trying my bset with her, but Ive been hanging with you all night! " He bought me a drink ... ( covered mine when I asked him to get our bartenders attention) .
Realizing that I was up gainst two females with a combined body weight of less than 200lbs I figured not to expect much. But it was cool to learn I could hold my own.

But alas... when Cameron saw Cecile give her number to a random guy ... he plotted revenge and got it by going after Amber! I left before I got the juicy details... but they tell me they are regulars.
Oh DO stay tuned....

* names have been changed to protect the guilty :P

The Ox load

2009-02-04T16:45:00.006-07:00

Well, here I sit, thoughts turned to the state of my love life... and Ive suddenly realized that things are a bit different now. I met a young man last week, looking forward to making a new friend. Oddly enough, he bares the same name as a young man I met sometime ago, but nothing ever bacame of it, and at first I was a little discouraged. But an oportunity to recognize change came into focus. I realized that I could have been the person that had someone knocking on my door with an invitation to, but said no, afraid of eben trying. I was glad to see that the things that I have gone thru arent still holding me back. Im also seing alot of an old aquantaince these days thats kinda going thru a bit of a rough patch with an ex, and Im just wondering if we will find ourselves taking advantage of an oportunuty.

Back in the saddle

2008-12-05T11:39:00.007-07:00

Ok... getting back to basics. Most of my readers know that this blog is dedicateds to my dating endeavors... In the past year, I have met two young mwn that I would like to get know, and this is very slow going... And yes I am frustrated... It has come to my realazation that what I am looking for might was well be an ancient relic in this day and age ( commitment ) . But I know its not my fault, and I just wish that more women would stay strong.
The hearts of men have turned women into whores but I refuse. He sees something he likes and has to have it now, and she knows now that if she doesnt, some one eles will. Shes not thinking about next week, or next month when she'll be with another guy because "he's not looking for anything serious". No wonder no one knows what love is any more. So I say this:

Its time

2008-11-13T09:25:00.006-07:00

Ok.. its been kinda quiet, but any of my readers know ever a storm brews on the inside. I came across a few things that helped me realized I wasnt crazy. Im sure more than a few of us have heard the news that " hooking up " has replaced dating. I think that if there were enough women willing to make a stand, that we could change things and not settlte e for beinig turned into whores. Why would a man chose to respect a woman when he can sleep with some one with out even exchanging names? We REALY have to think about this. I sat and trying to figure out a way to adapt. Then I realized I was never going to, and men dont wont wait because they dont have to. I cant say that its been easy, but I dont feel like Im crazy any more. This time its sinking in.

Progress

2008-07-24T10:49:00.002-06:00

Well... Ive been thinking.
being in the same situation I was in almost ten years ago , I thought it best to check for progress .
This time I have a bit more confidence to make the right descisions and Im not giving up. I have a clearer idea of my strenghts and weaknesses and how important it is for me to heal, althought I need help discovering how. I know that I have to weild my weapon of choice thought I need to decide wich one. Without being selfish I need to learn how to be a priorty to ME in my life. I have to refocus
my vision. I need to remember its ok to be pissed off or even scared, or affectionate. I am less than one year away from achieving my financial goals. I know that I have to let go to reach for tomorrow. Remebering this all is the real chore. Now I havent found much to help with my disapointment or patience with all this grow. This journey is a firewalk for sure. The coals are deffinately getting hotter, and I have the urge to run, but the warrior in me says to be patient.

Cosmo party

2008-06-02T11:39:00.009-06:00

Well, heres a recap... 30 days after I met a seemingly viable canidate, phone calls just stopped and I was being put off for weed runs. Then I find out that there were a number of women that had their exploits with certain men that my canidate knew, unknowingly videotappped. Risky behavior indeed. But considering he stopped calling after 3 atempts to get together, he was putt off because I wasnt available when he wanted. Oh well.
On a personal note, I had kept my hair covered for almost 5 years for spiritual reasons, and have recently uncovered with some surprisingly challenging yet positive results.
I've discovered Pad Thai and gotten rid of most of my unanswered questions. Still being pushed to put up the good fight.
Sex in the City opened last weekend, and yes I cried. Reflections of a woman between possibilty and reality. Still doing alot of thinking, but this time, Im not blaming myself for being 34,single and still "getting there"

The New

2008-01-07T09:35:00.000-07:00

Well, yes things have been rather quiet ... the last ocassions that I blogged about never panned out... I have had to do alot of searching, and I have come to the conclusion that I just need to change. ALOT easier said than done...But this year ALREADY I have made some new friends with potential .... three so far ... and I am between waiting to see what happens and trying to make something happen... All of them in my similar situation, all of them a bit distant, two are really cute ans one is ok... seemigly not my type but I like him ....Ill keep you posted!

Closing time

2007-09-17T18:48:00.000-06:00

As usual I find myself with alot to say today... still muddeling through most of my muck and myer, but I cant dent that this time there is a difference. Stilldetermined to make the change in my lfe that will bring me closer to where I feel I should be, as it seems its quickly becomming an imperitive..
I know that it hasnt been easy due to my relutance, but when Im faced with it it all point to me needing to be who I am.
I often times wonder why I am still alone, let face it, a woman in her 30s will give SOME thought to raising a family and being confronted with the feeling that it may be to late.
But I have had alot of time to think about things, and I knew that I obviouly wasnt ready, but the most revealing part is why. Its not to easy for me to talk about but maybe I will, soon.. and in the meantime I will comtinue to heal.
Im still learing how important it is for me to be true to myself, and right now, my heart says wait awhile.

Sparkle and fade

2007-08-22T15:49:00.001-06:00

Well, Its well after the 4th... Plans seem to fall through, with one foul swoop... GIRLFRIEND. I had ben put off because the intented had to work on the 4th , but I had been feeling a little aprihensive, because I hadnt heard from him in a while....
I contacted him just about a week later and he told me about the girl he is currently dating. It just happened, because when we first met in March, he did state he was single.
So needless to say, I havent realy taken it well, and here's why, he removed me from his friends list on Myspace. So, I was left very confused as to why he wont maintain even a friendhip, when it seems we both felt interested.
I feel realy disilussioned as to how men realy handle these things , and how things realy are out there. But I am determined not to blame my self...

De ja Vu

2007-06-26T12:20:00.001-06:00

Yes, folks, I am walking around with that familiar feeling again being in much the say situation that I have been for the longest time. I dont like it, and of course Im trying to see the error of my ways. things are still very temultuous for me on the inside as well as the out side. The changes im going through allowing me to administer healing to those parts of me in desperate need of repair. Holding myself back untill the perfect shade ofo green I guess, from allowing what I need and want in my life.
Speaking of which, I have to be honest, the situation didnt look good at first, a while went buy, and I sent a few messages here and there and then I finaly got a phone call! Im working on the fourth of july for my next date guys We talked last night and it just may be a go!!!
OMG #2!!!!

Dating just right, cont'ud

2007-05-07T08:49:00.001-06:00

Well, date night came and went. It actualy happened!!!! I met some one atractive, he is a DOLL!!! and a VERY deep person, inteligent and funny!!!! and he veven told me I look great! I have such a good feeling about this, I cant beging to explain it. And I alsmost had to sleep over, could you stand it? we had plans to take the local art walk here... so now, Im clammoring for date 2, wich I feel wont be far off!!!

Dating just right continued...

2007-04-15T01:33:00.001-06:00

Well, I ran into my fiend again,and it seems we have made plans to see cool stuff... al readt we've reached the point of no return, if it happens, I know this is a good thing... we are emailing now... so we should get together soon, within th week...
Indeed this has put me in good spirits...I am very comfortalable, and there is good news!!!
I have done a bit of soul searching, and it seems there were a few things I had to learn about myself in order to continue to grow into the person I am, allowing myself to be...
I have been presented with a great gifrt, which has given me alot, and iIam very happy right now, things are changing for the better !

Dating just right.

2007-03-10T20:21:00.001-07:00

Ok. get this... I have been presented with a nother chance to find the right person! I meet him thursday. he asked me what my definition of time was. And he used to model. I am hopful and leary @ the same time so... this will take patients. I cant be sure how this will go and that is ok... right now i have a real need to express myself, and I think thats why this happened. I just didnt expect this to be so tricky! I feel as though i could stand to change my life around abit, and become one step closer to acheiving my goals. I have been so used to being who am what I am , I never stoped to tink that I need to show vulnerability ... why is that ?
I was in a mood I guess, all the old stuff is still there, but some time life happens...
We exchanged web adress in stead of #s , at my request... Ill keep you posted...

Speed dating

2007-01-27T14:40:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later, ealier this month I met some one who was a vendor @ a metaphysical expo I attened, and we exchanges numbers. To make a long story short, he texted, I called and throught out the course he misstook me for an ex, and I had a rough night ubtill things got cleared up. It wasnt a total bust because he mentioned hanging out...I was astounded at how much pain I carry with me. He mentioned getting a sense that I was conflicted, but what he doesnt know is what led to it, I wanted to tell him that it's a little tricky to stay positive when EVERY guy that I wanted to be with walked away within 6 months tops, and thats being really generous... ans when all the real men walk away, whats left? those that have no clue how to love themselves or any one eles. So I will be updating soon.

Happy New Year!

2007-01-11T15:44:00.000-07:00

A little late and Im sorry. just thoight Id drop in. Lots going on right now but not so much on the romantic front. Events of my last post may have cause me wax nostalgic about something that never happened in the first place. I have been doing alot of thinking. I guess I am still trying to find out if its my fault Im still alone.
What Ive come up with its everything, but never fear, I am getting help. I also realized that try as I might, I have no clue how to let go. So, Ive been dealing with it so far, and I am considering making a few changes.
I cant imagine what lies ahead that would help me forget the past, but Im sure it will help. I have come to the realazation that my celibacy has thrown the rest of my life out of balance. Our sexual idenity is key to our survival mechanisims. Meaning that sex leads to underlying feelings of security, and a lack there of creates the oposite.
So, I have alot of work ahead of me.

Dating REALY heavy

2006-11-20T13:30:00.000-07:00

Well, boys and girls I have news... a fella I may have mentioned from time to time seems to have gotten himself into a situation.
His girlfriend of four years ( and ten years his Junior) has crossed the line and went after my friend with a knife, because he didnt want her to stay all night somewhere. Every one is fine.
The new father of a five month old baby girl is said to be finished dealing with here. They have been having problems lately because of weight gained during pregnancy, self esteem issue, all through wich he has been very supportive and non judgmental, (although he used to date strippers) so this has left him s little confused, and frankly so am I.
I was very interested in him a while back, we've known each other for almost eight years... theres definately a history between us. I atempted to make a play for him,when he was single and he was unresponsive. I dont think that any ones know s what it feels like to have some one choose that unstable of a person over you. Well I do, and it hurts. Alot. just incase no one figured it out. I am determined to find an answer....

Why I dont Diet

2006-11-13T13:10:00.000-07:00

Well...more of the same, new job, new goal of getting into my own place. Again. (Gosh I hope that doesnt disapoint any one! :) And the same hopw that oneday my life will be what I want it to be. I am definately tring to take a more pro active aproach to bringing that about, its just never as easy as I think.
But the good are currently related to my last post. A young man ( We'll call him Denver )I met that did a good deed for my former neighboor and I ... Buying my concert tickect to see Incubus... for which I paid him back for. Well a few weeks ago I see my friend and I asked whats new... she tells me that *Denver has been acting really strange to her and making threats... and then she tells me that he had said that I (at hem) performed oral sex for the concert tickets.
My good readers, I was not angry. I laughed, almost hysteriacaly, because belive it or not, I as I mentioned was interested in *Denver, and had hope to get to know him, so that we could engage in some sort of sexual activity! But I think any man who would rather make me look like a prostitute rather than a whore isnt for me!

Dating light

2006-10-14T14:06:00.000-06:00

Well boys and girls there is news. Things were pretty boring for a while, but things are again changing for me. Starting with with some one I met this summer. My former neighbors where I am a former resident extend frequent invitations to me and thats how I met thier new neighboor. Very inteligent, clean cut and damaged. Just my type right? well, I grew hopefull, and was presented with an oportunity. Edgefest. A radio sponsered concert, and off we went. He bought the tickets, and I paid him back, as it wasnt a "date ". A couple of invitations to his palce came my way which I excepted, and we had the talk. You know, the "What are you looking for and do you think I can give it to you " talk. The jury is still out. Outside of these invitations themselves, I get nothing but a cold shoulder. So we went to dinner last night. Again, I paid, so Im still not sure if hes into me. I'll keep you posted !!

Meltdown

2006-09-13T17:33:00.000-06:00

Well, lets just say that I have had a chance to do alot of thinking. The main topic, the direction my life is going at this point. Its funny, because right now I feel I am at a stand still. As usual. And I keep comming back to the same conclusion.
I am sadded because of a lack of a relationship in my life. The fact that I am not where I should be holds me back. Im not where I should be because of my self image wich has led to all the above. So the main struggle is maintaining control of negativity and eliminating it from my thoughts as well as my life. Thats the short version.
The long version has more to do with holding myself back because I feel I am not ready for the life I want on some level, and I am still trying to figure out how to prepare. But I guess the truth is you never really are, and you have to deal with it.
Recently I discovered that my 5 yr "crush " has quit his last job. I was suddenly remimded of everything that I went through because of my feelings for one man, and how hard it is for me to deal with, and how much I still care about him. Again, I am debating on weather or not to tell him. I know that if I did it would mean absolutly noting. So why bother right? Or should I tell him just to get rid of this? I doubt that it would even work out that way...

Manifesto of a plus size woman

2006-07-17T18:40:00.000-06:00

Ok. here goes. This is for every woman who hasn't seen a size six since she was that age. For every woman who was PISSED when she saw C & C Music Factory's "Sweat" and KNEW it was Martha Wash and not some "Black Box " singing. For every woman who laughed hystericaly when they unveiled Christy Turlington as the new "curvy" model.
I am fed up.
For nearly 15 years, I have mascaraded as an average sized woman, thanks to an article in cosmo called "How to dress 50 lbs thinner."
I am fed up because I never grew up being called Fat. I wasn't teased. I never felt the world was against me because I was Fat. But, I'll be hog tied if the only person who had a problem with my weight was ME. I was supposed to be happy with myself no matter what right?
Wrong.
Then I would never improve myself.
"I am beautiful, no matter what they say..." isn't that how the song goes?
Well being pretty and morbidly obease at the same time means people are going to deal with me as a fat girl or some who is cute, but acepting me as both seems awkward.
So, let me tell you that when I read a fashion mag, no I dont loathe other woman for being thin. God made them their way, and he made me mine.
But still the battle wages, why?
Because the hollow of my thighs beckons me. The caress of a size 14 awaits me. Because I want to stand on my own two feet four eight hours and not have to take 3200 milligrams of Ibuprofen to deal with the pain. There are mountains I want to climb with out putting my body into shock.
What happens to me when I thumb through those high gloss pages? I want to do better for my self. I want to get of the couch and find out why I am full, but still have a bag of potato chips in my lap.
Sure it may be frustrating to think about every man who dumpped me because i didnt look like a supermodel. But thats not the problem. We ALL want to look at something beautiful, and there's nothing wrong with that.
Sure its crazy to think that I should be in a weight class that I haven't been in since puberty. The fact that I have outweighed any pregnant woman I've ever met, but no one would belive me when I tell them my weight might confuse some people but then again, I know my BMI.
But I dont let it get to me. Why?
Because blondes and thongs may chap my hide, but the word Fat never hurt me.

Guess what!!!

2006-06-26T17:17:00.000-06:00

Well, now that I am back in the saddle so to speak, I thought I'd make an anouncement. Those loyal readers ( I know you're out there :) know that I started this blog in reguards to beeing a single 30ish female in this day and age of the three date rule vs my seven years of celibacy.
I am OFFICIALY redirecting the reins again due to recent events. The material previous to this post gives a small insight to my daily life.
Right now I am living with someone that I have known for years, and felt very close to ... but things have changed. She has two children to whom I am ver attatched. Her 8 year old daughter ( you know, *Natalie ) did her first full lotus ( Yoga pose) a couple of weeks ago. I am so thrilled!!! : )
Honestly, that relationship had a larger impact on my social life than I realized. Recently I met a young man, my age, very atractive, and I wound up asking him out. Well, he had a realative comming home from the hospital recovering from surgery. And I realized that it would be hard for us to see each other, because I am not in my own place right now. Lets just say when I called to comfirm our date, he told me that he was in the process of asking his ex girlfriend for money so we could go out. Needless to say, things havent worked out.
I was listening to the KYOT on an early sunday morning, a discussion was underway ... a topic realating to communication, and how technology has hindered that. I agree. because to me communication = connection.
So thats been the focus. The lack of connection in my life. And let me tell you, this one goes way back. But before I divulge parts of my life requiring a phych degree to cypher, let me just say this; The biggest thing with me is the fact that I am not where I feel I should be in life, and that obviously affects things.
I just think that there are to many examples visible in our own lives not to see the wide spread effects of a lack of communication on human interation. Once I had an opportunity to see just how far, I was able to stop blaming myself. So ... I hope your ready!!!

The kink ...

2006-06-12T18:02:00.000-06:00

Well, here I am again, with a bit to say. If you have caught up you would know that things have definately been on the DL...
I made mention of two babies who made it here, both by women that are close to my roommate... three if you count the most recent addition buyt her " son's" girlfriend, you know the self confessed cheater.... it seems things are in order so far...
There have been some things to come about to make me reevaluate things. I want to think the best, but all I know is I was told I DON'T have to continue to express my gratitude, it's been done and the recieving party is tired of hearing it. When I express the value I place in an eight year friendship, I get " Well as far as a friendship goes, when you have been screwed as much as I have, you can take it or leave it..." When I mention the trip and that I want to keep in touch, I get " I usualy dont keep in touch with people "... The fact that there have been a number of invitations to thank you dinners and I would have to guess if I were invited... The poeple that wronged my roommate get bent over backwards for and treated like gold and I get the remote thrown at me.
You might understand why I have taken another look at things.

All is fair in love & whatever....

2006-05-15T16:58:00.000-06:00

Well! I know I have been quite, as I mentioned in my last post.. but things are a little a little on the temultuous side right now. Starting with my sister. It seem that her and her beau of eight years have called things off for right now.
They are trying too work things out, and in the process she seem to feel it ok to take things out on me. I step up and let her know when she is crossing the line; for instance raisng her voice to me because I was pan frying tator tots in stead of baking them. Yeah. Its that bad... She felt awkward when she found the panfry recipie. Its just hapening more lately, and I am revising my plans to acomodate a need for a hasty retreat.
Any way, on a more personal note , it seem as thought I had met some one. I asked him to go to a concert, wich he said he could aford when I mentioned it, but the day before, he's trying to borrow money from an ex. Ok, Im guessing that is what is called lame right? I havevent seem him since, with the exception of him walking his dog wit a awoman about my size in height...
Everything eles is good. The trip to Texas as of right now, is a go.
YEEHAW!! { whip crackin' }

Hi!!! (Yawn)

2006-04-20T17:17:00.000-06:00

Yes it certainaly has been awhile. I'd love to tell you tell you that I was incredibly busy and this this is the first chance I've had to catch my blog up in months... but the trust is Since finaly making it back to Tempe (and leaving again) things have been absolutly boring. Alas I am not at a complete loss for an account of the last three months.
Staring out, I'll mention that things have changed. Considerably. The apartment I had in Tempe since surrendered, due to [ reasonable explination goes here. ] So, I am now living with my sister since February. Things are as good as usual, yet I definately see the merit in my own independence.
Here is the juice. While I was in flux (not at my sisters and not in my own place) My sister took in a young lady who was pregnant, and had a three year old son. She was living with realitives and things went wrong so my sister took her in. Steady as she goes untill just after she has the baby, (a gorgeous boy) and she has to stay with me until she gets her sistuation straight, wich lasted just about two weeks.
She leaves, with both her sons owing me $75 and for three months no one heard from her. She showed up once, we talked and another two months goes by any my sister tells me that finaly heard from her, and that shes giving up the baby, and possibly her first son as well. Why? she is not able to take care of them, she tells my sister. She never even tried to get a job.
In other news things have taken an interesting twist between my sister, her boyfriend of eight years and someone the have known for a while... It seems that the boyfriend slept with this mutual friend last year... Well, just recently my sister has had suspicion that they have rekendled what they once had... and now the woman is pregnant !!! so only time will tell with that one.
On a more personal note, things kind of plateued for a while... but I am thing of ways to expand my horizons... So the trip to Texas is in order. I am looking forward to it with excitment and just a bit of aprihension.
I plan on returning to Phoenix, so if your local, dont think your getting rid of me that easy!!!

Well,

2006-01-30T17:34:00.000-07:00

I'd be lying if I said things were great, but all in all not bad. I have house guests right now, My neice and my two nephews. Lets just say it was a rough start to 2006 all the way around. I'm plugging way, and a trip to Texas is a possibility right now. I'll keep you posted!
Remember, I like hearing from my readers!!!...

Guess what? (revised)

2005-12-28T19:25:00.000-07:00

Hello!! sorry it has been a while, but the reason is good. I finaly made it back to Tempe, so things were a little hectic for a while.
I am in a great frame of mind and getting ready for the new year. There is even a prospect flanking the horizon, I am will be thrilled to keep all of you posteded. I trust the season has treated all of you well, and I look forward to hearing from you !!!
The new place is in a great location, the price is right, and in pretty good shape.
The prospect I mentioned is some one who works where I am a former client, wich is a good thing. I had hope to ring in the new year with him, but that would have meant I had to ask, and I am still a bit to old fashioned for that...
The latest gosip is pretty much nothing new, my friend and his pregnat girlfriend, are fine, the latest tiff being her not wanting to spend Christmas with his folks but hers wich they do every year... ( you remember, he's supposedly sterile, yet she's having HIS baby...)
But the real story is my sister's husband and his latest stunt; staying out all night on NYE!!! He said he was online all night...
Update on my neice Nat;( you remember the one who "pole dances" at 6 years old) She has decided that she wants to be a "Hip Hop Dancer". She's also requesting Brats dolls for her next birth day. Again. We were getting ready for a trip to Eatza PiZZa, and my sister picked out a new outfit to show off before she got dressed, wich showed a teny bit more cleavege that the stuff she normaly wears (wich is none...)
Nat saw the outfit pouted and said "How come you get to dress sexy and I dont'?" comment made after we made her change out out the belly shirt she wanted to wear...
So as you can see some things change, some things stay the same...

Sex vs. Respect

2005-11-03T09:34:00.000-07:00

Well for my new readers, I am going to say welcome. This blog is the result of 5+ years of celibacy. I encourage you to read the post from March to get up to speed.
My last enrty was about some friends of mine, (take a read for the details ) as it got me thinking about dating again.
I am taking a look at being single in the new millinium, and yeah,I read the book "He's just not that into you. "
I just wanted to make sure I wasnt making any mistakes that were costing me a potential loving long term relationship.
As for my readers who reply as soon as post (thanks guys that was cool) you should now its all about quality...and I wont comprimise that just to get laid. I shouldnt have to ...
So, my question is why is it that men have trouble respecting the women they sleep with and trouble sleeping with women they respect? It seems to be a trade of...
I get the "Ma'am"s the doors opened for me, I get stuff done for me, but I dont get the digits.
Am I being punished for keeping hemlines low and standards high?
Possibly
But I have a feeling there is more to it...
See, I am not 100% satisfied with my life right now, and it shows.
But I am working on it...

That does it too!

2005-10-01T10:24:00.000-06:00

Ok. You guys are going to love this. I am posting due to information I have recieved this weekend about a friend of mine that I wanted to get involved with , many moons ago.... you know, the 27 year old with the on again off again girlfriend of 18? Well the anouncement was made yesterday. She's pregnant.
Oh, and it gets better. 1st off, let me tell you that my friend had been under the impression that he was sterile. It's a miricle! The next part, is I happen to know his girlfriends sister. So I had suddenly become privy to all sorts of information about these two that just rolls off the tounge like honey, with little or no prompting.
So, because his girl and I are actualy cool, I cannot say any thing personaly about her character. But her sister can. And she did.
Acording to her sister, she's cheated on him since they have gotten back together, and they have been physically abusive twoards each other. And She's already admitted it to him any way...
Granted, Most people would tell me not to beleive the sister, but because I happen to know every one involved, I can safely make up my own mind.
Let's just say the words paternity test come to mind, shall we?

regroup

2005-09-17T15:32:00.000-06:00

Well, I've been doing alot of thinking lately... I have come to understand a few thing. I know that this world expects me to be at my best. I want to change certain things about me and my life... but I still fell I should be accepted for who and what I am, even though it is in the process of change, and it not easy.
See the problem has never been how every one eles sees me, because that has always been positive... It's how I see my self. But when you still dont get the results you were looking for... it confuses you ...Thats part of the reason I am looking for some feedback.

Right now, its realy hard because I am trying to do so many things at once and if I slow down, I feel like I am losing ground. And trying to let go of toxic emotions that prompt you to call some one you havent even seen in 2 years because you wanted to isnt easy!
So I am just all a big, raw jumbled nerve right now, trying to unwind a little..

That does it...

2005-08-24T15:40:00.000-06:00

Due to recent events, I am now going to FIRMLY take this blog is the direction it is headed in the first place....
I have put up with being solicited... jerks who thinks its ok to offer women money to sleep with them... Cheats, liars, drug users and all around abusive women have been chosen over me. Women three times my size have men on there arms. Women with just as little sice as they have teeth in their had have been chosen over me. So, What gives?!? I am determined to find out.
The number one thing that started this is a young man I was interested in (see the Contenders post) had recently broken up with his 18 year old girlfriend (he's 27) because she cheated on him... well I have recently found out that he took her back. he's his own man, but I tell ya, it really make me wonder

Men.

2005-08-10T14:41:00.000-06:00

The following is a letter I recieved from a " friend " who is a member of an online community I belong to:
whats up?
its me just asking some questions to u girls just to see how laid back u r, if i already asked u this just tell me again plz because i really wanna know
do u prefer thongs or granny panties?(granny panties cover the whole ass and they r not sexy at all)
if u have other specify
what is ur favorite color of it?
what size bra?
do u match ur top with ur bottom?
have u ever show ur boobs in public?(like on a party or something like that)
well thanks if u dont wanna answer them its cool
just tell me so i dont think that u havent received the message ok
but i would really like to know .
This Should give you some type of idea of the what we ladies are dealing with here. So, I am definatetly going to do my part to bridge the communication gap. I also beleive that a good man is NOT imposible to find. I'll keep it real..

Heat wave

2005-07-24T14:50:00.000-06:00

Well, it is deffinately a hot summer this year. and when it gets,my thought turn to one thing...men. I have done a bit of research lately... and there are some things that I am going to fill you in on....
First is the recent development with a friend of mine from the contenders list (group of men I was interested in....
He is a 27 year old black man who broke up with his 18 year old girlfriend but took her back, after she assalted him and cheated on him.
Now I ask you what man in his right mind would chosse to have that in his life instead of some one who cares about him? some one concerned with only one thing. I take it. Continuously getting passed over for females just because he wants arm candy. I am sorry I am not buying it... Man I still have all my teeth !!! there is no excuse!!! not with the types of people I see hooking up...

Reload

2005-06-27T09:53:00.000-06:00

Well, Summer is here , and I have been doing some thinking... I paid a visit to my sister again earlier this month with interesring results...
She ran in to a slight problem with her husband, they had a fight because He wasn't "getting any". His schedule changed and he expected her to get up at 2:30 in the am OR got to bed at 7:30 pm just to maintain their carnal schedule....and she said no way...she has to be up at 6:30 am to get her daughter off to school and a 7:30 bed time was out of the question because she had to stay up till the kids went to bed...at 9:00pm, he was already in bed, asleep because he had to be up at 2:30am ... and it got pretty bad for a while... Then money issues came up, after they wound up almost $900 dollars shorter than what they expected after tax returns got in...
I also ran into a friend of mine I hadn't seen in almost a year...
She just had a baby boy at the end of last year, with a man who got a nother girl pregnant, while she was also carring his baby, any to make matters worse, his mistris is pregnant again....
But even on the tail end of bad news, I dont want to give up finding someone when there are tails of unhappiness abounding....
I just cant beliueve we put up with so much crap just for the sake of a relationship. Granted when children are involed, it changes every thing, but still!! I just want to be Happy. I deserve to be Happy. So I have made it my mission to some out of my shell abit...and as soon as I figure out how, I'll let you know! : )

2005-06-24T13:08:00.000-06:00

Hey all you bloggers out there... sorry it's been awhile... Right now, things are a little settled, as I have moved, and its taken me longer to get settled than I thought...But this summer I am going to make a few changes, and I'll let you know how it goes...

Ha !

2005-05-19T16:29:00.000-06:00

Well, this is the interlude between Vermont and Myrtle Beach, lots going on...and it would apear that things are going ok... Nothing major... just lots of bars and welcome signs at this point. Before this point I used to think my best friend was untouchable... Myrtle Beach change that thought... it really began to make me laugh, all of this craziness we were up too... One night , my best friend and I are out drinking, a pretty common occurance these days..We were on our way from the bar when something happened that put my best friend in a whole new light....
We were being followed buy a cop, on the way home from the bar... as my best friend pointed out... and he wound up spending a night in jail untill I bailed him out...but it was funny to me beacuse as much as depended on him he now had to depend on me... I'd say I took it pretty well...

Mike & spike

2005-04-25T20:53:00.000-06:00

Before I get into the road trip, there is something I got to thinking about. Do you remember those old Tom and Jerry cartoons? remember the Pit Bull Tom was always running from? Well that pit Bull hand a special freind, another little dog he was always pushing around. For the purpose of this exercise let's call the Pit Bull Spike, and the little dog Mike. You ever notice how many relationships are actualy like that in real life? Bullying someone is one story but when the bully joins forces with his victim, it's another story all together!
The dynamic always seems to go in one of two ways. Either the Bully is big and dumb or (Think Danny Devito and Arnold Swarztenegger in Twins) not so tuff but smart (Think Stan and Gabriel in Swordfish). The same dynamic exist in female relationships as well. Every once in a while it's actualy not to easy to see who is the big dog and who is the little dog. They may be two people who apear to be equals, and it takes a while to see who has control. (Think Fonda and Lee in Single white Female). The sidekick is always drug around doing the bidding of the mental superior. How ever there are rare ocassions when the cycle is broken. The side kick usualy sticks around for one of two reasons. They feel indebted to the bully, (The bully saved the sidkick's life) or the bully has leverage (making you an offer you can't refuse).
There was one episode of Tom and Jerry in in wich Mike saved Spike's life, and the tables were turned. I was glad to see the little fella come up, and get to smack Spike around for awhile!!
A significant moment came about in MY life when I looked at the relatopnship between me and my best friend like this. I realize he was the big dog and I was the little dog. And you better believe when my chance came to come up, I took it!
Did you know that if you took a baby elephant and tied it to a sapling tree with a small rope, even as the elephant got bigger he would never try to break free?
The next highlite in the Road Trip is our next stop, Myrtle Beach, SC. We had a little money together, and my best friend wanted to go out. He wound up spending our last five dollars on a drink at the bar instead of putting it in the tank, wich was almost empty and later runnung out of gas. He was furious that I had warned him, and turned out to be right. He yelled. I cried, and then I woke up. I looked at him and said "I am not listening to this any more. Besides you said you didn't want to talk to me any more, why are you still running your mouth?" Silence. My moment was aproaching. Soon. He says "I'm sorry didn't mean to treat you that way, but you know I was just angry and didn't mean it". So I reconsidered leaving for a while, but basicaly chalked it up to stike 2. See you get three with me no matter what.
The next stop was Vermont. Beautiful, green, and completely new to me. I was so excited. Things were definately different here. I had met a very special young man and that gave me a sence of self I desperately needed.
But it didn't start of all good.

Getting started

2005-04-11T20:04:00.000-06:00

So far so good, right now, I'm in the middle of the trip of a lifetime. Me and my bset friend desicided to see the world, and we set off. Now things between us had taken a deep turn, due to our trip to La. We were down for each other, or so I thought. Lots of hotel rooms, lots of stops, the first place that stands out for me is Kentucky.
We were there for almost three months. My best friend ended up meeting someone that he really like, and wanted to stick around for a while, wich, at this point, I'm really in no hurry to go anywhere, so it was cool. Now what really makes this interesting is that at this point in the game,I had made a few changes in the way I aproached dating.
I began to talk to my best frind and he would often tell me he seriously thinks that I am in to women. Being the open minded whimp that I was, I took a go at girls.
I had meet one woman, (a good friend of the guy that my best friend was dating...) and decided to go for it, beacause she had told my best friend she was interested in me, wich turned out not to be true I guess, but for a while I gave women a try. Aleast I stood a better chance if getting laid, I guess that what I was thinking!
Now, I relly was doing myself a disservice, because I am not gay, but it allowed me to learn something. The things that I liked about this woman, I realized were qualities that I wanted for myself but felt I didn't have. And I never gave up on men totaly, because I just never could.
I always new that a man would satisfy my needs. I can apriciate a beautiful woman, but have no desire to take it any further, as I have had the oportunity, just so you know. But as I mentioned, it was a learning experince, and I took a look at how I responded to men, and came to realize that there were other things that I had to deal with, and that is another blog altogether! but, I'll keep you posted. Next stop, Myrtle beach...

now I'm getting warmed up

2005-04-04T20:50:00.000-06:00

The biggest part of this whole thing is my former best friend of almost 8 years. The stories that I have posted in other blogs, gets you to this point. See I have three main blogs. This one mainly deals with my present, the second deals with my past and the third, brings the two together. So any information that you need or want can be found there.

The story between me and my best freind picks up with us hedading back to my home town, and eventualy starting another road trip. As you read it you will understand that I at this point have sacrificed alot in the name of friendship. My best friend was a 26 year old Italian from New York. Gay. So This is where it begins to get real boring for me romanticaly, but other wise never a dull moment!!! Begin coutless hours in Gay bars for absolutly no good reason for me, here. But luckily I met some one who changed all that for me. I give a brief mention of him in. http://clutteredhead.blogspot.com. So... get ready for the road trip like no other!

Pardon our dust while we remodle

2005-04-01T19:36:00.000-07:00

Just to let you know I am having a blast with all of this. I have examined this page to it's very depts. It was so amzaing to install my meter, and other goodies at the bottom of this page. I had the oportunirt to learn, and it is getting addictive. It's simple and complicated all at once. So, hopefully, I am on my way to being a cool read instead of just another boring blog. Ya know? I am quite young as you can tell, but that's ok. I don't mind. There will be other additions, maybe alittle later, but right now I'm happy with what I got. I'm tellin' you, it was all those cool sites I pass, with things and what not, and usualy, I read no matter what, But I definately like the sites that have a little more to them. It's been great start!! Soon, it will be my one month anniversary !!! I should start planning the celebration now. It's been wild. Hours on line, just because I am curious! My horroscope said that I should spend more time on line, even though it was an April fool's joke. !!
-saia

Upgrade!

2005-04-01T00:10:00.000-07:00

Oh alright, all the cool sites got to me, I'm playing around abit, but I'm still with ya! I was soo cool to set up my tag board, seeing as how I don't have a computer of my own, and no almost nothing about html. I was just amazing to learn is all!! You'll definately see where this takes me!!!

This is a test

2005-03-31T12:02:00.000-07:00

Of the WABBN

Today...

2005-03-30T19:28:00.000-07:00

Has definately been a pretty ccol day. Lots of new people stopping buy, very gracious of you. I sit and wonder how many people feel sorry for me. Please don't. And here's why.
Yesterday I happened across a young man that I had met quite a while ago.. young, nubian, intelctual, poetic, (he was publishing a book of poems,so he tells me). Very good looking. My interest was definately peaked. He asked for my nunber and I wrote it down for him, and we continued talking. He begins to get pretty straight forward, and basically asks to sleep with me. The way he did it was sexy, at first. He noticed my long nails.... Neway. I told him that I was interested in getting to know him, but I wanted him to know that things were tough beacuse I've been in love with some one for three years now..and that's another blog all together... One day, shortly after we met, I was at work, and he spots me, and stops by says hi.
Well before to long, he gets to the point again, But as he is talking to me, there is another female that has wandered in our mist, and he starts to hit on her. He at this point is looking really tacky. I mean, do what you will, but I don't know any woman that would sleep with a man who's asked another woman out in front of her. Now I can safely say that if I want it I can definately get it, but I just coose to use discernment. Because I don't want to be the female he's talking about to his friends, saying..."Oh, yeah I hit it, but you know it ain't no fun if the homies can't have none! so my boy over here, he hit it too!" I had the disinct pleasure of hearing that from him, the first day we met, so I think you might see why I would pass up that chance. I gave him a shot because he said that while it's true that it happened, he's not intersted in a relationship, but he always lets he know that, and he could tell that I'm not that type of woman, so he would have to aproach the situation differently. I at that point tell him ...well if you aren't interested in getting to know some one, and you're just looking for Ms right now, then I would be offened that you even spoke to me. But If you don't mind getting to know someone, regaurdless of a relationship, then no,I wouldn't hold the fact that he took advantage of an opportunity aginst him. See,it takes awhile to to recognize the point of no return. So I take my time, come what may.

the visit

2005-03-29T18:15:00.000-07:00

I went to my sister's house over Easter, as usualy, things are pretty , so the update will go like this: Clips from visit:
this comes from my nephew *Chuck (he's four, Natilie's little bro,):
"Hey, no fair why do I have to stand in the corner, Natile's the one dancing sexy in the room!"
Natile of course denys every thing. Imitation ?(One of my reader sugested) who??!!?? There's no pole set up in the house!! But then again her choice of movie to tfor the day may explain it, "Swordfish" ! with Travolta And Berry. We both told her we didn't want her to watch it, when we dicover she's already seen it. Go figure. Good news though she usualy does pick the Disney movies !

Insult to injury

2005-03-24T17:57:00.000-07:00

I was watching a new movie the othe day, Be cool. Get aload of this, one of the characters works for an "adult entertainment" (strip club) company called Carosel! complete with a miniture carosel in the lobby. I about freaked out!!!!

With no further ado...

2005-03-18T01:27:00.001-07:00

There's some one I want to tell you about. She wears more make up than me, she compliments me when I wear tight clothes, She has more "boyfriends" than I ever thought I could pull. When I saw her last, we were in the ladies washing up after dinner at Hometown Buffet. Two others in the wash room recognized her, and started a conversation.
One asked if she had a boyfriend. She says "I have two boyfriends and a girlfriend!"
Ladies and gentlemen my neice, *Natalie. She's six years old. I call her "Miss Sixty".
At Wal-mart, just before dinner, we were hanging out in the arcade. My neice spots a miniture carosel, with horses, so she climbs up, puts a quarter in and starts spinning around. Before to long, she starts to get the wiggles again, and she is standing up on the carosel. She is gripping one of the poles with both hands, and starts to swing from side to side. Then she bends at the knees, still swinging.
Then she juts her hips to one side, then the other, doing an S curve with her feet shoulder with apart. Before I realized it, my neice was POLE DANCING. AT SIX YEARS OLD!!!!
ME: "Boogie!!" (thats my every day nic name for her. Now you know why.)
HER: (laughing ) what!!?!!
ME: "girl, sit down on the horse,right!"
HER: (still dancing )Look, there's blood on my teeth!( she was wearing a pair of fangs from one of the toy machines)
ME: "BOOGIE,!" "Now!"
she finaly sat down.
Now, her parents were busy attending to her brother. I sat wondering, what in the world got in to her, Because I know she never been in a strip joint before, I figured it must be pent up energy from being grounded all week, because she dithched a class last week in school. SHE'S SIX YEARS OLD!!
I tell you, I know for a fact my sister keeps a tight reign on her at home, but I tell you my neice can push the limits. I began to realize, she's in shcool now, and you can't always be with them. As we we were leaving the store I looked at her and said "SIX YEAR OLDS DO NOT POLE DANCE, YOUNG LADY, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? MISS SIXTY!"
Sis looks over at me and says "Oh, you caught one of her routines huh? she's been bad about that lately. She always gets in trouble for that these days. I just remind her she's 6 not 16."
So should I go there or do you get it ?

The conundrum

2005-03-17T11:38:00.003-07:00

Yes... there's more. Again, I want to give my readers a better understanding about this whole thing....and what its like being a single female in the new millineum.
When I meet some one new, its automatic, within the first 30 seconds of meeting each other, you ask yourself; "Can I see my self getting naked with this person?"
Now, when the answer is yes, the next step for most is usualy when, where or how right? well for me it is "Can I trust this person ?" Why? the #1 reason is because I CAN'T stand condoms. I'm not stupid. I'll use them but they are just UNromantic if you know what I mean. so, that puts me in a interesting position. When it happens, I prefer to know that the person I would like to be with hasn't been through enough flesh to back log a meat packing plant, know what I mean? If he isn't willing to wait till I am comfortalable, then why should I even bother? It just so happens that being comfortalable means getting test results back if you want to enjoy sex the way it was meant to be enjoyed. NO Barriers!!!!
I recently heard a co-worker talking about a party she went to at a friends house. She went on say that she got FUCKED Up, as she put it and passed out, and later woke up to some one she KNEW trying to "put it in". (Come on guys, how low can you go?)
She is an atractive 18 yr old girl. I REALLY hope I'm wrong, but how much do you want to bet that she was trying to save face by NOT telling her friends what really happened? I have been to an after party, and walked out being glad that I was over (WELL over)20 years old and over 200lbs. instead of 19 and 119 lbs. Whats funny is that I hide it well because my Body mas index (the ratio between fat and muscle) is over 60% muscle. I'm quite solid. I'd never been so glad to be me in all my life. The guy that slipped me something waited all night for me to pass out!! to no avail, because I also had fair warning that it was going to be one of those "Don't drink the water" type of parties. It was thrown buy musicians.
Having said that, I think one could understand why I would rather be celibate than deal with the mad house that modern dating has been turned into. Not to say that I'm giving up.

Contoversy

2005-03-15T12:49:00.001-07:00

Now Im sure you may be wondering..." Is she just ugly? "
Well, I've been equiped with a pair of beautiful eyes, big hair, great skin, nice legs, a mischevious (I've been in my fair share of trouble) crooked grin and a big butt(I walk just about every where), and an even bigger heart.(The pair of 42 D's I'm rockin really don't hurt matters either) And its a proven fact men are geneticaly atracted to women who aren't exactly a size six. Big Hips = healthy babies. I'm no advocate for obesity, (you can catch me on a treadmill & pumping iron) I just know it's better to be healthy, not just skinny.
No, I am no where close to a size six, but I've never been called Fat a day in my life. Well except buy a guy who was mad at me because I wouldn't give him any.(Go figure!) That happened once. In high school.
To say nothing of the scores of people I see hooking up, who, shall we say, could easily create a cast for the Springer Show,(I've lived with a former guest, so I know the type,) I seriously doubt that my apearance is really an issue.
Bad attitude? previously the undemanding, bend over backwards type. To a point. No abusive relationships under my belt, just lots of Highway miles, laughs, and lessons learned.
The real deal? I am the intelligent, know what I want and wont compromise type. I guess it took me awhile to get there though.
Dont wear heels, being short is a built-in flirting device: " Say, can you reach that thingy on the tippy top shelf? " or make-up, I decided the face the world was going to see is the one I wake up with.
Have others decided that I'm hot? I've been refered to as babe, honey, and lets not forget Mama since high school. Also.. Not one but two homosexuals wanted to sleep with me INSTEAD of their boyfriends, have roused one retired lesbian,(no, I couldn't go there, but gave it the old college try ) and had to refuse one offer to RECIEVE oral, and have my bail paid. (no, I wouldn't let her have any either) And last but not least, a transsexual man who was working to pay for his operation, later told me thet he reversed his desicion, and now wanted to live as man, and wanting to be with me was a big part of that choice.
P.S My best friend, who was gay, would occaionaly grope me during boubts of drukenness. (it's been interesting) Why? The addage that a man knows what a man wants and vice versa? BULL.
So, you would think I know what I'm doing, and it shows. The next topic to explore is: am I being to picky? Hmmm....

The contenders

2005-03-14T11:15:00.002-07:00

This is a little background on the few men that almost ended the dry spell,
it could give further insight about my um... choices. I call them:

THE CONTENDERS

The working man
Codename: The big Kahuna
Age: 26 (when we met)
About him: Island boy, "player", drug dealer, had a great gig in down town phoenix, in school for engeneeiring degree, Fine!!
About us: hung out often, made out once
What happened: lost contact, he moved
The twist: his girlfriend. Was also being persued by one of my roommates from "The Zone"

The Super
Codename: Manny
Age: 35 (when we met)
Abot him: worked for the complex I lived in, three kids(yikes!) Fine!!!
About us: hung out once, made out once
What happened: he moved to Boston
The twist: Got PO'ed cuz I wanted to at least learn his last name before we slept together, got embarassed be cause he exposed himself while we were having beer. I told him I liked talking to him, he told me he was tired of talking, and thats when he introduced Manny Jr.(not really a bad thing per se, I was getting there, but the attitude ruined it. he even appologized. I didn't reprimand him, just let hinm know that I still wanted to get to know him.)

Desk jockey jr
Codename: Dimples
Age: 23 (when we met)
About him: from Alaska, worked in my office, very cute
What happened: got over zealous at the chance to hang out with him, plan backfired
The twist: Was planning to go back to Alaska

Desk Jockey
Codename: Buddah
Age: 28 (when we met)
About him: adventuous, very tribal, travelin' man
About us: hung out twice
What Happened: went MIA after we exchaned #s
The twist: a meddeling co worker who deleted his # from my phone (we hand the same phone, so she knew the ends and outs)

The Immaculant one
Codename: Dr No
Age: 31 (when we met)
About him: POTHEAD! (Smoked WAY to much dope. He could name over twenty types of cannabis), shy, worked in my office, liked my type of music
About us: hung out once, went out on a date once
What happened: Told me he was too busy and HE was celibate after I asked him out
The twist: I think he got sketched out about a very innocent poem I left him (it was about holding hands)
Bonus: Made him cry (unintentionaly) when he kept asking me out but standing me up.
He wanted to hang out one night, but I told him I had plans. Went to see a local band, and he was there, crying.(eww)

The holy roller
Codename: Iceman
Age: 25 ( when I saw him last)
About him: ABsolutely one of the most beautiful men I have ever met (inside and out)
rollerbladed EVERYWHERE! (and had the thighs to prove it!) Pothead
About us: used to work to gether , hung out twice
What I like about him: very unique personality, natural, kept me laughing whenever I saw him, had the COOLEST tats you ever saw!
What happened: lost contact
The twist: ran into him 2 years after he quite working at the office, But yet,he could give me a great hug
Bonus: Would make *Manny jealous when he would stop by my place (sweaty, from the rollerblading, and no shirt on... YUM!) and he would see Manny outside and asked if he buy any chance knew when I would be back.

Gods gift to women
Codename: The Rock (his idol)
Age: 22 (when we met)
About him: atypical (he's black and likes metal) great since of humor, likes arm candy (used to hang out at strip clubs, till he got ripped off buy a dancer, and just paln mistreated buy another one) he thinks like me
About us: We've known each other for 6 years, lived together at my sister's place
we are alot alike, had similar experiences
What happened: he bailed when I wanted to hang out as friends, so I bailed on our "first date"
The twist: his on again off again girlfreind who's 17

Band Boy
Codename: Songbird
Age: 28 (when we met)
About him: musician, singer/songwritter, humble, computer geek, very sexy
Vegan!
What happened: Introduced his new girlfriend seconds before I was going to ask him out.
The twist: Rivals the next contender for the #1 spot!

THE ONE that wont go away
Codename: Sparky
Age: 28 (when we met)
About him: Musician, composer, VERY sexy, cerebral, kinda shy, Vegitarian! (rule)
works at the office I used to work for
About us: We used to see each other often, we can talk for hours about everything
Why I fell in love: his ambition, his friendship lifted me out of a bad patch of days. Somethng inside him reminds me of something inside me
What happened: still pending
The twist: recently divorced, and dating some one, 2/3rds of the band *Songbird sings for!

The one. Yup, that's it. The man I have been in love with for the past three years! The one that basicaly I don't want to do with out, but He's not mine, he's with some one eles. The one I can't seem to forget about no matter how hard I try. So far no one has compared, but I'm still hopefull. You can't just want one person for the rest of your life... no matter what right? I'll get over him right?

The facts

2005-03-13T16:03:00.001-07:00

The following is detailed information about the making of a celibate woman,
but first a little background about the men I have slept with.

The First
Code name: Little boy lost
Age: 19 (when we met)
About him: video game junkie (of course), a "bi-sexual", cheater, funny
About us: we tried a relationship, for three months
we traveled together, he was my first.
The twist : he introduced me to a bi-sexual woman he was dating ....
What Happened: he desciced to camp with others when I needed him most.

The One (I thought)
Code name: Almost Perfect
Age: 20 (when we met)
About him: Gorgeous, damaged, "Gang Banger", sweet
About us: we tried a relationship, for three months
The twist; we slept together before we "dated"
What happened: he left town to be with family, we were suppose to meet back up, but I left town shortly after that.

Mr right now
Codename: Cowboy
Age: 27 (when we met)
About him: handsome (at least I thought so), Great since of humor, pothead (like me at the time), slacker
About us: we tried a relatioship for a month? we were very compatable
What happened: he vanished.
The twist: I tink he was told to stay away from me.

What? me single?

2005-03-11T11:19:00.001-07:00

Well, it starts off like this, I was in a book store about three weeks ago and I ran across this book with "1001 nights with out sex " in the title. And I'm thinking wow, but I should probalby let you know now that I am celibate, (70% choice, 30% circumstance)and wanted a way in wich to gain some insight from my male counterparts. I want opinions.
The next thing I should let you know is the author of that book, I've got her beat, with not one but two sets "1001 nights with out sex". The last "dry spell" has lasted 1825+ days.
Now, for the most part,it has mainly been due to a lack of suitable canidates for even one night stands (you have no idea how many men forget about condoms, but thats not the real issue.) I don't treat men like dicks, they just have to have more to offer me than theirs.
I am not in any rush to put my self at risk, so thats a major factor in the desicion to practice abstinance. I am intersted in what The X Generation has to say.
There is definately alot more to this story, lots of topics to discus, and plenty of questions to ask. Again, I am very interested in any thoughts, all readers are strongly encouraged to respond.
Sincerely, Saia

ha ha

2005-03-10T13:02:00.003-07:00

I recently found out that some one signed me for match. com . As a lesbian. Not funny.
Basicaly, I have alot to say because of my unique perspective, but no matter how hard i try, that one is not going over well, at the very least, a cruel joke , at best a mistake, wich I did correct, much to the chargin of many a chick im sure.

why im blogging

2005-03-10T12:44:00.002-07:00

DATING. Pretty scary word in the 21st century isnt it?. something I have alot of thoughts on . staring again with my favorite things. men. Now im ot going to go all postal, but i am going to say this: What is it that men want from us besides the obvious?? this will be open for discussion